Parenting

Taking a work break after finishing a contract...finding time to post again and found a couple of drafts from 2020 :o). Concerns have stayed the same, mostly, except Boy's politics have mellowed some...

I'm often still surprised at how similar and different Hubby and I are, at the same time. He's from Finland, I'm from Singapore. He's both extrovert (enjoys social events) and introvert (enjoys his own company), whereas I tend to introvert. He's had a pretty independent childhood, but mine was more supervised. When it comes to parenting, we've had to compromise on many things. Last weekend, Hubby left for a summer visit to Finland alone, due to COVID-19 travel restrictions. This is a first in many years, and I've had some time to experience what it's like to parent alone - not an easy task. Our normal routine of good cop bad cop is missing a vital participant.

Hubby grew up with a brother ten years younger, so he witnessed some parenting up close. I have younger siblings but can't really say that I'm comfortable around kids. My approach to parenting was one of misplaced confidence - if so many other women can do this, I can too. Hubby was perhaps more realistic about the challenges. We were in our early thirties when Boy arrived and I was flummoxed by the little bundle of energy that flouted my best efforts to contain and channel. It took me two years to see eye to eye with Hubby on having a second one. But when Girl arrived, her calmer personality allowed me to see that, well...sometimes it's just personality.

I grew up with the threat of corporal punishment. It's just part of the culture - even school policy for certain offenses. My parents were measured in the application but spanking is illegal in Finland. So we first had to agree to no spanking (although I do sneak in a slap on the bottom for emphasis). My mom predicted that our children would "climb on your head and poop on it". We found out from Girl, after we left Singapore, that her kindergarten teacher had spanked her for crying during a phase when she cried at drop off. Had Hubby found out sooner, the teacher would have had a talking to.

Another area of compromise - academics. Singapore and Finland both have top rated education systems, but the approaches are different. Hubby didn't have much homework or testing but I did. I am of the opinion that if you put in the work, you will do fine. Emphasis on work - it's not like the system, especially the American one, sets you up to fail. Having lived in the west since my teens, I now see that it's not really about what you learn or how you score on testing but how you apply it. So rather than nag about grades, we nag about effort.

Boy takes after Hubby when it comes to athleticism, but he's mostly mini-me. Opinionated, stubborn, emotional. Our similar personalities cause us to clash often, with him often rebutting me in the exact way I would, making it more infuriating. Hubby plays the role of mediator in these confrontations, reminding me to be the grown up. Girl usually just ups and hides when these crop up, and in this past week, without the mediator, they did a lot. We argue about whether he should get a haircut, be online so much, what he should eat, if he should exercise. He's a conservative (how did that happen?) and feels that Trump is not getting a fair shake from media (um...depends on what you watch, right?). His lack of empathy allows him to question why racism and feminism are such a big deal when heart disease kills more people. He's already an atheist (thanks, Hubby), but has a habit of invoking God's name when frustrated or elated. He's intelligent but eschews hard work, preferring to wing it, whether at sports or school. Fun is at the top of his priorities. Anything else is "cringe" or boring. We implore him to be open-minded, see the other side, but my delivery of "why don't you..." needs work.

Girl, for the time being, is more mini-Hubby - calm, contemplative. We are more able to reason with her. In the end, what we're trying to do is prepare them for the world. To know themselves, see value in others, spot opportunities and threats. These skills will help them adapt and thrive. Because while they are our special snowflakes, they will not be that to others, at least not without some hard work.